Say Something...

So, now that we've publicized our fertility problems, there are a few things I need to get out! There was a teeny ounce of what we have experienced this far in our struggle that I anticipated. The rest of everything, I have felt completely blindsided by. I think this is mostly because we haven't done it before and most importantly we haven't done something so emotional before. In one moment you are flying high because you are just two weeks away from knowing that the child you have been dreaming about for so long is finally going to be a possibility....and then the next moment you are at your very lowest low because your hope and your chance and your money that bought you that chance are all gone.

Neal and I knew this was going to be hard. And I've been telling us our whole marriage that we can do hard things....but this is one of the very hardest of things. When we found out we weren't pregnant this IVF cycle, I was so mad. I was mad because we have been trying so long. I was mad because I felt like I had given every piece of my body...surgeries, injections, hormone swings, injections....did I mention the injections? And I was mad because we had prayed so hard for this to work, and God did not let it happen. I was baffled that Heavenly Father, this person who was supposed to love me perfectly, would not know that this would be too disheartening to handle.

For several days, the only thing that I could think was the lyrics to the song "Say Something" -- "Say something, I'm giving up on you....and I'm feeling so small, it was over my head, I know nothing at all." I felt abandoned, I felt like giving up, and I felt so foolish for believing that a miracle like that could happen for us.

It took me a while, but I finally realized that I had not been abandoned, or forgotten, and that I shouldn't just give up. I was reminded, again by a song, that I was going to be okay...that I was only "Human" and that it was okay that I was breaking down and it was okay that I was falling apart. And most importantly, I was reminded that those emotions were the exact reason Heavenly Father was letting me experience this. So, that I would learn it was okay, to not be okay. And it was okay to handle a trial with days of only tears.

Sometimes I think the internet is too full of people who are showing the world only the perfect side of their life. It gets hard for the rest of us to remember that this life is not about being perfectly happy with whatever is happening to us, but learning to perfect ourselves through the hard and nearly impossible trials this life is giving us. And though we may be in the part of our lives where we are crying out to God to just say something...anything at all, to help us through our trials -- it's okay to remember that we are only human, it's okay to break down, it's okay to fall apart and that last moment when we just really can't take it anymore, God will send the hope that we need to pick ourselves up and continue to struggle along.

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Neal and I have felt so blessed and supported through this trial, despite our few moments of complete heartbreak. We are so thankful for all of you that have supported us and allowed us to be open about it. For me at least, it makes a world of difference just to be able to have a conversation about what is really going on. We've had a lot of friends/family that say they are sometimes nervous about talking with us about things because they don't know what to say or not say. To "give back" to you, this is a really good guideline of "Infertility Etiquette". Some we don't agree with 100% but it's the best list I've found.